It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
