Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
