wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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