I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
