dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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