Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
