Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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