put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
