we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
