alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
