by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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