I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
