is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
