we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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