just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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