I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
