I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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