if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
