Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
