just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
