I'm gonna have a badass scar
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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