my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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