Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?
Cause it just destroys penises
Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize