Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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