i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
