Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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