I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
