Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
