Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
