btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize