OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
