She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
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