I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize