Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
