My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
