I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
