i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
