after a month anything with tits is on the radar
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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