Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
