He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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