He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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