Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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