I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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