All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I intend to get homeless drunk
i think i scared a bird with my dick
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
