I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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