Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Floor bacon is actually really good
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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