I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
