i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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