I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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