Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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