You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
