I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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