Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
