They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
birth control should be required to get into college
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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