I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
