You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
