i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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