I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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