my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
