Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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