take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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