There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
