I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
