my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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