Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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