I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
