I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
So apparently I’m into choking now
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
