I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
