btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
