How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize