i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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