at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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